70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
