just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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