Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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