apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
