my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
