He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
