I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
