non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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