i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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