and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
