I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
