1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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