my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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