Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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