In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
