There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
