I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
