Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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