I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
