I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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