Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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