it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
What drink are we having for lunch?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
