i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
