I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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