Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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