I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
