If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
