video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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