you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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