she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize