The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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