I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
