omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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