Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
