god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
A+ Viking dick
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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