You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
