i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
