So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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