Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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