I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
