My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
