Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
