I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
