Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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