She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
