I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
