Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
