just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
