Pants 0. Shit 1.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
