I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
