somebody snuck up and got me drunk
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
