OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
