There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
