You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
