they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
