I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
