Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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