69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
