She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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