he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
